I’ll never forget the day I was walking through the parking lot of a local park, head down, shoulders tight, thoughts swirling in my head about doubts, uncertainties, fears, my anxiety rising, a pattern repeating.
I stopped as I caught my reflection in a puddle. For a moment I felt genuine envy for puddle-me. I bet she’s not worried about all this, I imagined. A classic “life is greener on the other side” moment. But then I remembered something I’d heard.
“There’s more than one side to every story—which you choose to focus on determines the reality you live in.”
At that moment I started making a mental version of a strange sort of gratitude list that I’d been experimenting with in my journal on hard days.
Today I’m grateful for:
- Feeling alive!—even when the alive factor is an intense feeling of fear.
- Long drives to high places. Tolerance. Truth. Trying.
- Restlessness. Anxiety. Worry. The woes of human aliveness… pressed up against the magnificence of Life.
- Green places. Wild air. Puddles.
- A list of Questions that currently have no answers.
- A way to redirect my mind when it’s whirling and it’s tripping and falling all over itself.
- Ryan. I couldn’t do this without him.
- The smell of rain.
- Confidence. Closure. Connection with my Creator.
For about a month, I’d been doing this gratitude practice that I’d learned about from Melody Beattie in her book Make Miracles in Forty Days: Turning What You Have into What You Want.
That season of life had been highlighted by a gut wrenching custody battle (looming court dates, slandering motions, unacceptable orders). I was also dealing with a health condition, an eating disorder, and money concerns. I was young and inexperienced and reactive and scared as fuck.
I remembered a line from Melody’s book;
If we want to know gratitude in our lives we must practice it. Even when it doesn’t make sense to do so.
So that’s what I did, right there in the parking lot. And I kept doing it.
And from that hell hole of a season—this life changing gratitude list practice reshaped my thinking, my believing, my physical and mental health, how I carried myself in the world. And ultimately it changed the course of my entire life.
I’ve used this practice for over a decade to expand my ability to receive what I desire and rewrite pain and anxiety into strength and serenity. You don’t need a puddle or a hell hole to start. Just a page, an honest heart, and about 10 minutes. Here’s how to write your own.
What is a gratitude list (and why do so many of them fall flat)?
A gratitude list is simply a written list of what you’re thankful for. But most of us were taught that gratitude means focusing on the good and trying not to think too much about the hard stuff (or “DUF” as I like to call it—the doubts, uncertainties, fears, etc..). While staying positive is important, denying our true thoughts and feelings is not helpful. And, can also leave parts of us feeling unseen, misunderstood, or outright rejected. For anyone trying to heal and grow, it’s imperative we have some form of personal inventory process through which we can notice and determine what thought patterns and beliefs are not serving us–and rewrite them.
I started playing with this practice because traditional gratitude lists weren’t transformative and honest enough for me. I didn’t want a practice that required me to look away from fear, frustration, disappointment, or uncertainty in order to appreciate my life.
I wanted to know: Could I be grateful while telling the whole truth? What would happen to my life if gratitude was my baseline emotion?
I started calling my practice the Impartial Gratitude List.
What makes an Impartial Gratitude List different
Impartial gratitude is different. It makes room for all of it. All of you!
The fears. The doubts. The messy, uncomfortable, uncertain parts.
And also… the support. The small mercies. The simple goodness that’s already here, and even the miracles that are yet to be!
Instead of asking you to “be positive,” this practice invites you to be honest—and then notice what happens when the rawness of life and gratitude are allowed to sit together.
Stuff that sucks. Support. Self-authorship. All on the same page.
When the ugly truth and appreciation are allowed to sit together, something phenomenal happens. Love and pain collide, creating quantum leaps in healing and growth. This is the Impartial Gratitude List phenomenon.
How to write an Impartial Gratitude List, step by step
It’s a simple 5–10 minute writing practice that gives you somewhere to put the fear, frustration, uncertainty, beauty, support, desire, and possibility of your life—and see what happens when you allow all of it to exist on the same page.
BTW, if you do not consider yourself a journaler (yet), that’s okay! If you can make a grocery list, you can do this.
1. Write “Today I’m grateful for…” at the top of the page
Choose a notebook or document you’ll use for this practice. Show up imperfectly but honestly. Start by writing “Today I am grateful for” at the top of the page. Every line that follows lives under those words, even the hard ones.
2. Name the hard stuff (your DUF–Doubts, Uncertainty, Fears)
Acknowledge what’s heavy, uncomfortable, scary (or simply annoying) in your life right now. Make a short list of fears, doubts, big or small worries, uncertainties, resentments, and anything that feels heavy or noisy in your mind or heart.
Write whatever comes — in bullets, fragments, or sentences. There’s no need to polish or explain. Do not try to censor, “soften”, or “change” the way you feel. An honest inventory is key here.
Naming these things gives them space without giving them control. Once they’re named, they’re in the light. And we can respond to their truth instead of reacting to the “shadowy” understory we might be assuming.
3. List what’s genuinely supporting you
Now write down things you genuinely love and appreciate. Support doesn’t always look dramatic. Sometimes it looks like:
- a cup of tea that you enjoyed slowly
- a text that came at the right moment
- your own resilience
- a body that keeps showing up for you
- a moment of relief, humor, or rest
- one little thing going right
Big things are welcome. Tiny things are welcome. Ordinary things are welcome. Try to stay honest and specific. Not what you should be grateful for… but what you actually are.
4. Write the experiences you want to grow into, as if they’ve already happened
This is where we begin to write about the experiences we want to have — not from longing or lack, but as if they’ve already happened. Your brain doesn’t just respond to what’s happening in your life — it responds to what you rehearse, imagine, and emotionally inhabit.
For example:
- “I’m grateful for how ‘in my flow state’ I feel in my work.”
- “I’m grateful for the strength and support of my body.”
- “I’m grateful for confidence, the clarity around my next steps.”
- “I’m grateful for this home that gives us the space and safety we need.”
Don’t hold back or try to “water down” or adjust your desires. Don’t try to fit them into your current sense of reality. Just write them at their true weight and glory. (BTW… if it doesn’t make your skin crawl a little, you’re not doing it right! ♥) More on this step in 3 Most Important Questions.
5. Read your whole list back, then breathe
Re-read your whole page from top to bottom. See if you can notice that even in the presence of discomfort or uncertainty, there’s still something supporting you—even if it’s just your raw determination not to be a victim of the painful situations, shadowy myths, or undeniably hard things in your life.
That’s the muscle of this practice. It doesn’t shy away from anything or sweep it under the rug. It doesn’t pretend life is perfect. It simply shows you what’s real, what’s alive in you, and what’s creating your sense of reality.
Then take 3 slow breaths and notice how your body feels.
Gratitude list examples (from various individuals)
Here are a few real lines from my own and others’ Impartial Gratitude Lists, typos and all. There is no wrong way to do this practice. Your list will be unique and unfold in perfect alignment with who you are.
Today I’m grateful for…
- Wishing I was further along in my process—remembering time is a construct—realizing I’m exactly where I am that’s that. And where I am is exactly where I need to be.
- Knowing when to stop thinking and just enjoy the ride.
- Friends who are friends for so long that our kids get to be friends.
- The expansive beauty and nature of Alaska summers that never stop surprising me.
- Laughter. Lessons. Self-awareness.
- The taste of a dream come true.
- Cemetery walks—hearing all the “Just do it! Get out of your own way! Earth is your play ground—you better play, serve, and love exactly how you want before it’s too late.”
Today I’m grateful for…
- The “I’m so done” feeling.
- Miracles with the parents reconnecting?
- Hitting ‘enter’ before I’m ready
- The feeling of so much potential I could burst
- Laughing because its so f*&%ing hard today
- Being told no
- Kiddos back to school with ease and success
- Plans to get out in nature tomorrow
- So much cool stuff with work- meeting new people- changing lives
- A new book in the mail.
Today I’m grateful for…
- My grief rage seems to have subsided for the time being.
- I can remember the smell of his pipe tobacco and aftershave.
- I can remember how good his one-armed hugs were when he gave them.
- I can appreciate how hard this time of year is for me and know that I’m not going crazy when I Hulk out for no good reason. My grief has an angry heart.
- I have someone to share these thoughts with.
Today I’m Grateful for…
Nights that end differently than I’d have liked them to. Unpleasant sensations in my body that offer sharp reminders to nurture and love myself differently and better. Rest. Not knowing how….but knowing I’ll have it. I’ll have all I need. That my path is lit. My own space to think and be and comfort myself.
Common questions
How many things should I put on my gratitude list?
There’s no magic number. My own lists run anywhere from one line to more than fifteen. Write whatever comes. The point is to take an honest snapshot of your mind and heart and support yourself with time, attention, and appreciation for who you are and who you are becoming.
How long does it take, and when should I write it?
The actual writing takes about 5–10 minutes. I reach for mine when I wake with anxiety, when I’m sitting in the middle of discomfort, or as I once wrote on a list: “Choosing to make a gratitude list instead of opening my computer to drown in work tasks at 8PM.” It’s a simple ritual you can return to whenever life feels beautiful, confusing, difficult—or all three.
Do I have to write my lists down?
No. Writing them down is a powerful journaling practice, but most of my Impartial Gratitude Lists over the years have been mental. I make them while lying in bed in the morning or at night, sitting through uncomfortable situations, driving with a heavy heart… you name it. When I want to look back on how far I’ve come, or go deeper, that’s when I reach for the page.
What if I don’t feel grateful?
You don’t need to believe anything special. You don’t need to be in a good mood. You don’t need to change your life this week. Come as you are. You’re exactly where you need to be.
Am I really supposed to be grateful for hard things?
Some things are off limits… for example, I would not expect myself or others to say “Thank you for a death or tragedy.” But we can approach the issue from another angle by writing “I’m grateful for how numb, angry, sad, lonely, etc that I feel.”
Should I share my gratitude list with someone?
You don’t need a partner for this to work. The practice stands on its own. But if you do share, it’s not for feedback. Not for fixing. Just for witnessing. Sharing this with another human cultivates a bond that is unique, rare, and very special.
Try it with me: The Impartial Gratitude List Phenomenon
What if it didn’t matter what kind of day you had… and you still knew you’d feel wildly grateful to be living it?
That’s the question behind The Impartial Gratitude List Phenomenon: A Free 7-Day Journaling Experience. For one week, we’ll explore the Impartial Gratitude List together through a series of short emails. I’ll introduce you to each part of the three-step ritual and send you prompts, small experiments, bonus actions, and a printable journal companion guidebook.
And yes, there’s actually a human on the other side. The emails are automated. I am not. I (Mackenzie) personally read and reply to your messages.
I’m determined to start an Impartial Gratitude revolution. And, you’re invited.
Join the free 7-day Impartial Gratitude List Phenomenon →
Free • 7 days • about 5–10 minutes of writing at a time
With unwavering appreciation,
Kenzie
PS. The key to getting what you want is wanting what you have. Want to see what this looked like for someone who participated in the IGL Phenomenon? Read 3 Most Important Questions.
